Why Can’t I Leave

            I can’t believe he loves me but let me tell you so. I can’t leave because no matter what I know my husband loves me. He says it every day. He not only states it with words but his physical love hits home. I have learned to be the good wife and lessen my mistakes. I’ve learned to be the perfect wife when we’re at home or we’re out on a date. Yes my husband takes me out and we are truly great together.  I hope one day love will make my husband stay but until then I won’t leave because I love him more than hate.

            Yeah, I must admit the way he says he loves me might make me black and blue but I’m sure he love me aren’t you.  Nothing says it better than his right hook and that backhand when I am already crying and can’t stand. He says it so often I can’t believe he doesn’t care. When he comes home from the bar with the boys and had too many drinks, a bad day at work, even when dinners late he shows his love straight to my face. After he’s done he utters I love you and you’re so great but no one will love you better than me.  He’s got me wrap in his grasp but I do believe he loves me don’t you. Now he’s not like this all the time especially when friends are around he is that charming great looking guy I said I do too. In my spare time I spend most of my day covering my bruises up with my make-up and when people ask I’m so use to saying I fell or tripped I don’t know what’s up.

My friends look at me and scream baby that’s hate but they don’t know him like I do his love is great.  I defend him when they know he’s the reason why my face is screaming hate. I tell them he does love me I just make him that way. It’s my fault and beside he says he loves me and he’s truly is great.  He just touched my face too hard because dinner was late. I forgot he was coming home early and I hesitated to find the right meal to make. I got tons of excuses that I can make.  He loves to hate me but ladies he’s great. He truly is I can’t believe that I was blessed with this great fate.

My plea, God I know he loves me my bruises tell me so. Why would he think enough to hurt me if it wasn’t so? He tells me I look good and I have a heart of gold he tells me don’t look at another because he can’t control his rage he feel inside his soul. I try to do my best to compliment us both but he just has this look that breaks my soul. I know he will be with me until the ends of the earth but God I must admit that he takes the sane from my soul. I look like hell and yes I want better for myself but he makes me feel like garbage, and destroys my very worth. Yeah the garbage I have learned to throw out meal after meal but I can’t let him go. I’m sorry that I brought this to your door, but I have to find the strength to not endure his pain that he gives from his hand to my face. God I hope you have a plan because I’m not strong enough to walk away.

God help me develop the courage to leave. I know his love hurts sometimes but god oh god it’s just me. I know I make him mad it’s all me I try so hard but he won’t let me be. He beats, bruises, curses me with every growing move; however, I groan, cry, but still he loves me. I’m trying to leave but why oh why can’t I leave. This loves insane but he’s got me. How can I leave how do I say good-bye? If I watch another women go through this I would certainly tell her to leave, but I know what she’s going to say to me. I can’t believe I say he’s right for me when he hurts me more than you know. I’m ready to leave but I don’t know how. He’s got everything job, money and the house. I could crash on a friends couch but how long could I stay. I’m sorry so sorry that this is happening to me and I feel like I have to stay.

I now know I have to leave because his love hurts me but, where do I start I can’t face him as I leave. I’m sorry but I got to do this for me. I know it’s wrong but I never lived on my own. I just got to make a new start. When he comes to look for me I have to make sure I don’t go. This is so hard for me because I know my husband love me. I have to start living for me and knowing that one day I will find someone that truly loves me. I’m so scared by what my husband has done to me.

If this is your story you do have to leave. Abuse goes on and when it is in a relationship you never put up with abuse. I learned one thing in life and love doesn’t hurt. When someone thinks that hitting you is the best way to show they love you, you need to leave. Also, understand that if he hits me once he will hit me twice. Don’t look at what you’re doing as wrong because you are doing nothing wrong. This isn’t your fault it is his. It is time to leave because no matter what you do he will always hit you.

If you are too prideful to talk to a friend about the abuse you are going through then you can use the aid of the many shelters in your state. You should not feel shameful for what you are going through the thing you should concentrate on is getting out for you before it’s too late. As a woman on the outside looking in at your relationship I’m truly sorry that you went through so much pain but with strength you can make it through leaving.

 

 

By DeAndra Watley